Returning to the Past – 59th Part
I was determined to find some way to put an end to the things I was discovering about myself
I was truly willing to resolve my inner problems. I did not want to take ‘home’ the problems I had within. I was already sick of feeling pain and crying when I was alone, talking to God and doing nothing about it. What I wanted now was to bring about change! I wanted to stop complaining about my problems or feeling my problems. Therefore, my problems were now the target of my attack.
I was willing to do whatever had to be done to resolve them.
In fact, I’ll tell you how it happened:
One day, I cried a lot over feeling excluded from my own family, in one of those missionary trips. I felt that my mother did not understood me, it seemed that she saw everything I did in a critical way. And inside the hotel room, I told myself that I would no longer cry about this. That is when I made a decision. It was not easy, because nothing simply “evaporated” away. I had to find out the root problem. And I was willing to find it, even if it was me.
When I returned to my country of residence, which was Spain at the time, I battled in the meetings I attended by exposing all that I was living to God. The fight was between Him and me. I no longer wanted to be crying and doing nothing about it. It seemed like the voice of God was distant, but even so my faith did not dismay. I did not need to hear Him to believe; I needed mainly to expose what was happening inside me.
And so this is how my battles were with God … every time I imposed something on myself. No one knew what was happening to me. During that time, I remember I did not want to even give rest to my faith. I had to find an answer. There was no other way, I had to act, and it could not wait. If I waited it was as though I was tolerating the problem and would continue with the same afflictions.
Then one day, I asked my husband to let me be at church at 6 am to pray. My husband resisted at first because he thought it would be too dangerous for me to leave home at that time. But the need was screaming inside me, and it could not be another way. I could not pray at home because I knew I was going to be lazy, since, at the time, waking up early was a challenge for me. And I knew that I would pray, or rather cry out sleepy. I had to leave my home and go to the church to intercede on my behalf.
My husband resisted for a while, but I did not give up on my goals, I said to him: “Julio, pay attention: If I die, it would be your fault! If you do not let me go, I’m going to die” I wanted to say that my spirit was like dead! I needed life and life only could come through sacrifice. After that he saw how strong I was in my decision, and he let me go.
I told the wives, “Look, I am coming here to pray in the church, and you may come if you want, but know that I am going for me not for any of you. ”
I knew deep down that if I had a problem, I could not pass them life. Even if the Word of God was strong when I spoke to them, for me it was not enough just to say a strong word, without passing the spirit of life. And in my eyes, my life was not materializing something acceptable to God, because there were agonies and sorrows because of my failures.
And the vast majority of wives came to pray with me. I had to get up very early, because I had to give a ride to some of the wives who had no transportation or rather, did not know how to drive.
And there I was going to church to pray, I did not stop. I do not remember for how long I did this for… I do not know whether it was for 40 days or an undetermined number of days until I saw with my eyes an answer.
Faith waits for no one, not even for God in order to see the results. Faith alone causes an Initiative to achieve what you want.