Returning to the Past – 48th Part
The pain was so unbearable that my body felt so weak as if I was going to faint.
My father was the one who called me more during this time and I often talked about the grief that I was living while he patiently listened to me and advised me.
One day, they decided to visit us.
On the day they arrived, it was lunchtime, but the food was not ready yet and so my dad came into the kitchen and gave me a little help and thank God everything went well. After lunch they rested and then we went out.
I was living such a difficult time that I thought, if said something they would certainly say I was “demon-possessed”. But the pain was so great that while we were walking in the mall, I said to my mother: “Mom, I feel so distressed I feel like I’m in depression.”
I was not even sure what true depression was, but I knew that the sadness I felt was above anything I had ever felt before. In fact, it was more than grief it was anguish.
I said this to my mother with my words hardly being able to come out and with a great urge to cry. And my mother said, “That’s the way it is my daughter you lost two children and it really is not easy.”
I had never felt anguish like this before, and everything I was feeling scared me. It seemed as though there was no way out.
It confused me, as a person who knows God how could I feel this kind of anguish? And the devil took advantage of this to fill up my head, to make me think it was not normal.
My parents spent some time us, and I remember every detail of these days, they were wonderful days. Their presence, their company, spoke to me.
They left and the fight continued.
Until one day, in a campaign of the Sanctuary, in a small church with about 20 people maximum, I entered the Sanctuary with an “empty” envelope decided to surrender my biggest dream, which was to replace my “former children” with other children! I renounced my future, that is, I was going to live with this “pain” the rest of my life in order to be able to serve God. I was not going to trade my greatest dream to serve God on the altar for something personal. And it was with this determination that I entered the Sanctuary.
Inside the sanctuary there was a throne and there on my knees I had the opportunity to pray as long as I needed to and leave my envelope.
On that day, I poured my soul out in tears and spoke to God like this: “God, I want to serve You in Your altar, and I give to You my biggest dream and need at this time. Sincerely, God, I feel no desire to surrender it to You because I need it. I do not even know what will happen from this day forward, but I want to serve You and therefore I surrender it to You. ”
I got up and left. When I came down the two steps, this came to my mind: “My God, I will not say anything to anyone about what I did because I do not know if I can fulfill it.” That’s when I came face to face with an assistant, and since I’m a pastor’s wife, I immediately concluded that this assistant was probably thinking that I was crying for the church, for the people, etc., and there I was crying for something I should have given up a long time ago!
I remember that when I went in the work of God I entered with the sole commitment of serving God and not to think about my own life. My future was in the hands of God and my desire was to serve God and not myself. That is, give my life for the people in need.
But now, I was crying over my personal pain. How about the people? Where was my commitment to God and His people at this time? I had set it to the side because I was focused on my own situation.
At that moment, I left crying even more. I realized how selfish I was. I felt so ashamed before God and so distant from my initial focus.
After a while, I do not know how long… but it did not seem like months or weeks, had gone by, it seemed as though the answer was immediate. I just had not realized the exact moment it happened.
I saw God’s answer, His acceptance of my all when I realized that I no longer had the desire to replace my children.
From then on, I really started to focus more on my spiritual life and the church. A new beginning in my life took place.