Returning to the Past – 46th Part
After a few days in Brazil, I returned to New York to pack my bags to move to the state where we were transferred.
On the week that I was moving to Atlanta, I read a passage in which I clung to with all my might or better yet, a passage in which I sheltered myself with. Although days and even weeks had gone by since the loss it was not easy to deal with all the feelings that tried to seduce me. At times I was so confused, I could not even tell God what was happening. The more the conflicts “pressured” me the more I found refuge in the Word of God and this brought me strength and seemed to cease my pain in a way that I was able to live rationally and the feelings disappeared.
And the passage was this one:
“Every commandment which I command you today you must be careful to observe, that you may live and multiply, and go in and possess the land of which the Lord swore to your fathers. And you shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord. “Dt.8: 1-3.
We went to Atlanta, Georgia in the year 2000. We went to work in the English language.
There was already a special work being done in Atlanta in Portuguese and there was a Pastor in charge of that work. It was this couple that picked us up from the airport and took us to their house to live with them.
Starting a work from nothing is not easy. We drove in the streets of Atlanta for a few days to find a place to open up the church. We went in the Pastor’s car and we drove for hours and hours. Meanwhile, songs played on the radio, which reminded me of my children. It was during these times that the thoughts of them and how much I missed them began to invade me. We were not so busy then, and during that time in the car I was not able to hold back my tears.
At this time, the movie “Tarzan” was released in theaters and the song that was constantly being played on the radio was from this movie. The words from that song spoke exactly what was in my heart. The emotions exploded within me.
During this time my emotions took control of me because my mind was not so busy with the Word of God. I would listen to music; chat with the other wife, but there was nothing to feed my faith. Therefore my emotions had an advantage over my mind.
We read the Bible in the morning and in the evening we prayed together in the apartment where we lived. But even so, what took over me were the thoughts of everything I had lost especially my children.
My battle at this time was much more intense. I lived by my emotions at all times, fighting against the faith I had. Since we did not go to church and I did not seek, nor was active in the faith, it made me even more sentimental.
I remember I was so vulnerable at this time, that any comment or carnal opinion, made me give in. I was very weak in the faith.
The end of the year came and in the United States they live each season and they celebrate each holiday, and Christmas was the most special one. At Christmas time, everywhere you go, you hear Christmas carols. This would make me emotional, because it reminded me of family gatherings.
As we drove in the car, there was a silence as we saw the lights decorating the houses, and families gathered in front of a Christmas tree. Tears streamed down my cheeks, I would not say a word to Julio, and he was serious fighting his own battles.
I was not easy in this place, but every place where we learn and we sacrifice, marks a story. In the next post I will tell you about other episodes that were memorable to me.