Returning to the Past – 35th Part
Finally our “babies” once again were able to see us. After much struggle, painful scars, all that was left inside me were the memories of this time.
One time, after dropping off the children in the house of the person who was responsible for them, I came home and cried nonstop, to the point that I was out of breathe. I remember that before talking to my father, I tried to talk to God through prayer, in a very striking scene: With desperation I wanted to at least touch something that would give me refuge. So I went to my father’s closet and grabbed onto the sleeve of his shirt, like if I were holding his hands. And there, in tears, I asked for God’s mercy, for Him to attend my plea. Knowing that I was nothing, I used the power of prayer that my father did for me on the day I married Julio.
I spoke to God the words that my father had spoken in that prayer. He said with tears in his eyes, “Father, when my daughter goes through difficult times, remember this prayer…” And there his words were cut off with his plead on my behalf.
It was almost as though my father knew what I was going to go through.
And using the same words my father had said to God, I asked Him to attend the prayer of His servant.
I remember there was a song that we used to hear that marked our pain, because it spoke to us and Julio sang it in the church where we were. The song was:
- Jesus Salvador J. Neto 5:04
Today I’m so at peace with myself
It may even seem like it does not make sense
Why I’ve been crying
What I have suffered
Today I looked up at the sky from my window
I see in my heart a beautiful presence
Jesus smiling and telling me
Come, and place in my hands
All of your problems
Raise up, don’t cry, don’t fear
Don’t give up the faith you have in me
Whoever comes to Me
Will eat from the bread of life
Whoever follows my footsteps
Will not feel the wounds
Will have the peace I give and will be happy
Lord forgive my sins
Accept me by your side
Let me touch your sacred mantle
And the grace I ask for
I will have your light
Lord, who am I that you may enter
In my home
A flash of your light
In a broken tile
Will Illuminates someone’s life forever Jesus
Jesus my savior Jesus my savior
Jesus my savior, Jesus my Savior
The words of this song penetrated inside of me and spoke to me deeply.
It was the God I had.
He was the only One who could give me peace.
It was He who gave me life every day.
I cried a lot with this song.
Only Julio and I knew what we were going through.
But even so, I didn’t see my husband discouraged.
I didn’t see my husband focused on our problems. I saw a man of God.
Even before our problems, there he was giving his life on behalf of the people of God.
I will tell you sincerely: The Altar saves lives.
It is on the Altar that we learn to give, even when we need to receive. It is there that we learn to stand in total dependence of God.
On Altar we have access to listen to people’s problems. It is when we live entirely for this work that we feel the pain of the people. And through them, we are inspired to use our faith, to give life, etc. And that’s what keeps us alive.
My husband was stronger than I. At least that was what I saw. His thoughts were on the people.
My thoughts were a daily struggle. After all, I was not active with the people, because at that time the woman’s role was to take care of the household and the physical activities of the church. So it was more difficult for me to keep in the Spirit. I couldn’t run away from my pain, the memories, because after all I was living in the house where they had lived with us. Everything would scream for me to live by my emotions. But my spirit incessantly sought the relief of living by faith. And so I began exercising my faith through the pain.
Everything I went through was worth it!
Because it built something inside of me that no one could. Not even knowledge could provide this for me. Through my pain, I learned so much, I could only be grateful for everything I went through.
Instead of murmuring, as many do in the face of pain, I truly sought God, not to have something according to my will, but for all that he provided me.
My praise and appreciation toward God was stronger than before.
Thank you God. The Lord has not forsaken me. On the contrary, I was taken care of and I had the privilege to have this unique experience.