Returning to the Past – 63th Part
That defined and intelligent prayer changed my reactions.
Not that I was trying to “force it” so that I could change, but the decision I made in looking at my faith and towards what I believe in made me look at emotions as my enemies, which was something that little by little was taking over inside of me. I had developed hatred, a true hatred against my emotions not against myself nor the situation I was in because I was aware that no matter what the situation was or whatever I would go through I had the Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit was not given to me to live frustrated or defeated. The hatred was against my emotions. This made me become more alert over my emotions each day.
Then, one day a situation emerged….
My sister was going to move away. All the wives that were close to her, suffered with the news they got that she would soon leave the country. One of the wives had come up to me saying: ” Listen Viviane, I’m not going downstairs to say goodbye to Cris, because if I do I will cry.”
Now, before I tell you what my answer to her was, I have to let you know that I was in a deep emotional hole. The whole situation had become harder to resolve. I remember that when I was on the program “Women Things” to say goodbye to my sister, I cried the whole time. I don’t even remember what my role was, because what had marked me the most was emotional reaction. I couldn’t even finish my sentence, because of how much I was crying. This was humiliating to me; not because I knew I would feel her absence, but humiliating because of the type of faith I was professing.
Then suddenly a big “picture” stood in front of me: My conduct, my reactions, my conflicts, and the word of God I was receiving. So then… Where was my faith? The Holy Spirit? Where was the God almighty in my life? Where was my offering to Him? My strong belief? And my devotion?!
Faith brings us a sense of responsibility to do and to honor. If I take on my responsibilities, I will be obeying and everything will turn out well. If I do not take on my responsibilities, I will be disobeying and dishonoring the One who revealed to me my faith. This sense of responsibility allows us to recognize our mistakes. This will then, also allow us to become more aware and examine how we are presenting everything.
As a servant and child of God, I do not want to just present to Him problems for Him to solve instead, I want to honor Him with my life.
Now imagine identifying this, and staying same! Wouldn’t this be a form of questioning your own faith or even the baptism with the Holy Spirit?
Well! Thank God that the faith was revealed to me, and I immediately detected that my offering was lacking quality.
This is why you are going be surprised right now! Because whatever threatens my faith, or makes me tolerate my mistake after becoming aware of my situation, makes me turn into a “bull” against everything that weakens me. This was when I told the wife:
“I’m not going to cry when my sister leaves!” (I was already full of hatred against everything that made me weak, and now against what she was going through. Not hatred against her, but towards that emotion that traps us).
The wife stood in silence. Then I told her: “Do you know why?” She answered: “No.” Then I told her: “because Moses is dead!”
When I mentioned this to her, I didn’t mean that my sister was dead. It’s tied up! But because I had to move forward, and not stay chained up to feeling inferior or small, when I it came to facing the responsibilities that God had given to me. I wanted her to do the same, so that she wouldn’t live the same way that I was living. The hatred was now a force against the sin I had presented to God. And whoever I saw and identified that had that evil emotion, I would “launch” in faith, like a “bull”.
And that is funny! Because faith, strength, determination is given to you so that you can correct anything that makes you go against your faith. It’s immediate when you are defined in your faith, and consequently in prayer. There’s no way that you can be weak in the faith and live many years without ever defining your own faith. God gave us intelligence, precisely so that we can measure ourselves, to check what is real in our life. This intelligence, or intelligent faith, does not lean on the fact of being baptized with the Holy Spirit and assuming that everything will turn out well. If I don’t watch out and stay on a look out, there’s no way I will ever move forward.