Returning to the Past – 62th Part
It’s always cloudy in London. In London there are several races and cultures.
However the exterior was not the problem. I was very well aware that I had to end my dilemmas, and the more problems I found, the more I found problems among those.
I missed the wives in Spain. I missed my daily interaction with them, but I knew that was not what I was looking for. I was not looking for something to make me escape my problems. I really wanted to discover the root of my problems, and I was determined in my heart to confront each one of them. It did not really matter what price I had to pay or the pain my soul would feel. What mattered was finding the solution.
It was the time when we talked about campaign of Israel- sacrifice – in the church. But what was happening to me? It seemed liked I listened, but my conflicts were more prominent than the Word of God. I did not understand… I was living in pure emotion. As much as my mind wanted an answer, my flesh felt all the circumstances of my emotions and honestly my faith could not withstand. I was living more in emotion than in the faith. Even though I was fully aware that faith does not work like this, I could not change.
I cried during the church meetings, I asked God for help. I fought those emotions, but it seemed that they were deep inside my being and did not want to leave. In fact, I was struggling with emotion to take my other emotions away.
One day I was fully fed up with all my emotions. I thought to myself, “How can this be?! I’m hearing about revolt, but I cannot be revolted! My God, help me! “Since I could not bear with the agony my soul felt, one day I decided to raise a “red flag ” to see if my family would help me.
We were all together, Cris, my father, my mother, and I in the TV room. We were all sitting there with the TV on, but no one was watching it. I saw this as an opportunity to raise my “red flag” as a way to find an answer. I told them, “I don’t think I’m going to do the Woman’s Program any more.” I said this not because I have a choice on doing the program or not, but to see their reaction. Trying to find an answer to my pain.
When I said this, my sister immediately said, “What, Vi” When she said this, my eyes filled with tears, wanting to cry, because she said it believing in me. “You’re so strong! How can you say such a thing?”
But my father cut her off and says, “My daughter, you don’t have to do the Women’s program if you don’t want to, if you don’t want to expose yourself, etc. you don’t have to.”
It would seem that my Father’s word would give me relief, but no. He spoke against the faith I professed. I was not called to do the Work of God how I want or what feels good to do. I was called to serve!
When he said that, my faith spoke inside me. Not that I was opposing him, but rather it was a way that I was able to make use of my faith and not emotion.
Faith makes you think, reflect, and it especially makes you weigh in on the purpose of your goal.
I waited a few minutes and I told them I was going home. When I got home I went to my room, I explained to God everything I was experiencing. I spoke to Him because my answer was not in finding shelter in my family or in understanding my emotions. I wanted to serve God even if I had to oppose my flesh, I would settle it with Him who does all things.
And there, in my room, I knelled down and spoke to God: “God, pay close attention…. I’m crying … it’s not because I’m seeking the Lord to pity me, but because everything that I’m living is causing a lot of pain. We are in the middle of the campaign of Israel and all I’m hearing about is revolt. But so far, I have not been able to revolt against anything I’m feeling and that does not make sense. When the Lord baptized me with your Spirit, I was not baptized with the spirit of emotion, no! This is not your Spirit in me! And I do not want to be this way! ”
I told God in detail, that when my sister was introducing me and passing on information about the church, I was screaming inside saying, “No, Cris! Do not go! Please stay here! I can assist you, but I do not want to be the wife responsible here. I want to learn.” My sister did not see this cry, because all I did was look at the room she was showing me. But God and I knew what was going on inside me. I was in no condition to be in a position of authority because I saw my conflicts greater than my own faith.
It was like I really saw my soul in desperate need.
I told God in a revolted voice: “THAT IS NOT YOUR SPIRIT!” This feeling of not seeing myself as having condition, etc. is a weak spirit and it is not Yours, and I do not accept this any more. I do not know what the Lord is going to do with me, but I want an answer now!”
I finished praying and went to bed. Thank God, I had the opportunity to open up and say everything before my husband came and saw me like that.
Just like I prayed intelligently, thinking about my words, as well as the faith I said I had and the result it creates, that was how I proceeded after this prayer.
Next week, I’ll continue.