Going Back to the Past – Part 4
Once, the pastor responsible for that country was upset with Julio. I don’t remember what the matter was about, but I remember the case where I had a part in.
We lived with my parents and with the responsible for the country at that time, in the same house. And I noticed that at times, he didn’t direct any word towards us. He was quiet. He was very upset.
That was bothering me, because I didn’t know what was going on. What mistake had we made so that he would ignore us that way?
Well, but who I was?
-Just a pastor’s wife, a servant of God. And knowing that we are servants, we have no right to question anything, but to obey.
Julio had oriented me not to talk to anyone. But that was bothering me. Living in the same house without speaking.
I was in agony; my soul was troubled. I didn’t know what to do.
And every morning when we woke up, my mother with that beautiful smile, would say: “Good morning, my daughter” and would give me hugs and kisses.
At that moment, I had pain in my soul. “Oh, I am so loved, I would like to be able to count on my mother with this agony of mine, but I can’t.” My eyes filled with tears, and when my mother looked into my eyes, she saw right away that something was not well. And she asked: “What happened, my daughter?” I said, “Oh mother, please don’t ask me that question because I can’t answer you.” And she said, “Speak, my daughter.” I replied: “Julio doesn’t want me to talk.” Then along comes my father, and tells me: “What’s wrong? Come here; tell me what’s happening. I’m commanding you, speak…”
Then I poured myself out in tears and spoke about the situation that we were living with our responsible. And he listened and oriented me.
On Sunday night, Julio gets a call asking him to appear at the headquarters because the Bishop wanted to talk to us. And Julio looked at me: “Did you say something?” I replied, “I said, they asked me and I said it.”
Actually, I was relieved. Everything that was most sacred in my life, it was not to tackle the problem in front of everyone, but it was to defend my soul that was in anguish. If I didn’t speak, I would be with that problem within me and I wouldn’t solve anything.
Still with my heart “jumping” of fear of what might happen, I went. On one side, Julio was upset, and on the other hand I was apprehensive.
We came to the office, sat down and we exposed the whole problem to the bishop responsible, to my parents and talked. And then and there everything was resolved. That problem really died.
Since then, I understood how to solve problems. Not keeping anything that makes me get confused, because confusion raises doubt, fear and insecurity.
I understood that I have to expose the problems that I can’t solve by myself: Be it solving, learning and correcting it. Whether it be talking and being disciplined by my action.
One thing is certain; I can’t stay with a heavy heart in relation to anything, because it doesn’t save me. On the contrary, it makes me have bad eyes, bad thoughts and even nourishes an idea of the devil inside my head.
The most sacred thing I have is my Salvation. No matter my position (pastor’s or bishop wife). I have to preserve my salvation at any cost, because it is what allows me to have peace, a clean conscience and strength even to battle.
But when it’s stained, I get weak. I have doubts, fear, insecurities and the devil makes the “party” by stepping and humiliating.
It’s better to be humble and face than fleeing or hiding with pride and living in torment within yourself.