Going back to the Past – Part 2
After a few months of being married, I went to live with my parents in another country – Portugal. I arrived there only 17 years old, married, and going to live with my parents who came to Portugal after I did.
Very recently married, I was very insecure and jealous. I didn’t know how dire the jealousy that I had was. It was for “silly” things.
It makes me wince every time I remember how much Júlio suffered because of it.
I, who am the daughter of Bishop Macedo, apparently shouldn’t have any problems. But I was filled with the roots of insecurity.
Thoughts would come to my head and I would accept them and live in hell. The worst part was that it didn’t only affect me, it also affected those whom I loved.
I was skinny. I weighed 43 kilos, about 95 pounds. I always heard others say that I was skinny. And I always wanted to gain some weight. I even made a proposal with God to gain 10 kilos (22 pounds).
My sister would also say that shapely legs, legs that were well proportioned legs, were the prettiest. And mine were like reeds…
I would look at my arms and see that they were skinny and looked even longer than they were supposed to be.
And society would dictate, until now, what the “ideal body” of a woman should look like.
In my point of view, there were some good parts and parts that would embarrass me.
It is unbelievable how another person’s conception can influence a youth’s mind. Even if it wasn’t right at that moment, but those opinions would stay inside. And that was my case. I would give credit to everything that was told about me, and I would store it. And everything that I heard that was beautiful, I would try to find in myself.
And when I couldn’t find it, then that was a motive for me not to be good enough for Júlio.
There were many times where I would get upset at Júlio. I would be mad at him, because all my jealousy had an alleged reason. But my “reason” was the way I would see him and judge the situation with my own insecurity.
Poor him. Several times at night, when we were alone, I would speak about the jealousy that would torment me. Júlio always explained that there was nothing. And really, after the conversation, I would feel horrible during that moment where I perturbed him with my jealousy.
Júlio would be so sad. So disappointed. So anguished.
I think he though that he when he married Viviane (daughter of Bishop Macedo) he would have a helper to save souls.
But it was not so.
I was immature. I carried marks of the past that even I didn’t know that I had saved. And we always made-up. It was an order that I had in my head, because I would not be able to sleep with that problem inside of me; if the the Lord Jesus came back that night, I could not stay behind.
I knew how much that jealousy would put a distance between God and I. Even though I read the Bible, meditated, I always learned a lesson but it was more in my consciousness than in practice.
Those bouts of jealousy would repeat many times, and once again I would bring it to Júlio to resolve it. I had the awareness that him and I were one. He couldn’t have a problem with me and have it remain unresolved because he would not be giving his all in what he did.
I remember it like it was yesterday. He would tell me:
“Look, mimiu, I don’t have any problem. The problem is yours. I don’t have to resolve anything. I already told you that you don’t have reason to be jealous. I love you. You are the one that sees things that way.“
While I was giving him my reasons for why I was jealous, in truth, I wanted him to change and not me. For a couple of hours he would be able to make me understand that I was wrong, but then in a different time, during the moment I was jealous, I would feel all my reasons for my jealousy that were giving me the strength to defend my point of view.
Can you imagine? I would speak in a way that I would have the authority and that I was right, and he would get very upset.
I didn’t even tell or speak to anyone. Because if I said anything, I was afraid that they would tell me that I was not liberated.
Including all those problems I caused Júlio, I had other problems. In Portugal, I was the youngest wife. I arrived in Portugal in 1992. I didn’t have any friends. It was horrible, because I always had an ease with making friends at church. But in Portugal, it was different at the time. I don’t know if the wives were afraid to get close to me because I was Bishop Macedo’s daughter.
In addition to living with my parents, I would not count on them.
I would feel frustrated because instead of honoring my parents, I was dishonoring them.
And God? With God, the agony was worse.
I did not know what to do in that situation. All I would do was ask God to “help me”. And I would tell myself: if the Lord came back and I remain with this jealousy, I would stay.
One day, I was decided in resolving my internal problems with God. I chose a day where everyone went to the vigil so I would have that opportunity to express everything to God. And on that day, I put my Walkman on to listen to a cassete tape of a service that was given in Brasil, and I began to pray.
And while I was praying, I was crying in distress; I felt my soul so lost with all the failures that I found within me, that I cried in desperation. I spoke to God without fear of anyone hearing me. I cried out, asking for help!
I cried like that because I prized my salvation. It wasn’t to intercede and ask God that Júlio or anyone changed… I knew that my soul was on the line.
Until suddenly…someone touched my back ( I was on my knees in my bed). And immediately I thought “Oh oh! I am being myself, and there is someone listening to my desperation.” When I looked, it was my mom.
She said, “What happened, daughter? Did Júlio hit you?”
I wanted to answer at the same time but I couldn’t breathe, even less talk. And I would shake my head saying no, and my thoughts would say, “Oh God, she doesn’t know that I am the problem.” And I cried a lot.
She hugged me and in comes my father saying, “What’s going on? Stop crying, and talk to me Viviane!”
I tried to stop but it was uncontrollable, I was even hiccuping from the pain that I felt for my soul.
And he shouted, “Stop crying! I am ordering you to stop!”
I was able to get out, “Dad, I don’t feel Holy Spirit anymore.”
I didn’t know how to explain the complicated situation that I was going through.
And he said to me, “Who said you were supposed to feel?”
And I would tell myself, “Oh Dad, you don’t know how bad I have been; I am very jealous and I only bring Júlio problems.”
That day I stopped crying. I put myself in a process for me to free myself from this terrible thing I had inside of me.
It is incredible that before I was married, my mom would tell me that I was a very jealous person, but I didn’t consider it a problem and the problem were the people that made me feel that way. That is why I never fought against it with strength because I saw that as their problem and not my own.
Follow my next diary to discover more about me and how I overcame my dramas.